Monday, December 28, 2009
I have a cold!
I have a fricking cold and am miserable!!!!!!! So I guess I call the oncologist today and reset my treatement for today as I don't want to get anyone else sick let alone go in and go through the Avastin treatment feeling like I feel today. :(
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Happy Holidays
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays, my wish for all is that for at least a few days everyone is free of pain and worry and given this time to be with loved ones and friends.
For those who have lost those dear to them may this time be one of healing and rememberance of those who have passed with fond and wonderful memories that bring a smile to your face (((((((((hugs)))))))))))
For those who have lost those dear to them may this time be one of healing and rememberance of those who have passed with fond and wonderful memories that bring a smile to your face (((((((((hugs)))))))))))
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Back from my "talk" appointment with my oncologist
Back from the oncologist
I wimped out, between him and my boyfriends "hurrahs" for him I got tired of fighting and said "fine, I'll see you Monday for my avastin treatment"
He again asserted he could "cure" me, do you want to know what his definition of cure is? and I quote "keeping you alive long enough for something else to kill you"
So if I go out tomorrow and get hit by a bus he will consider me "cured" because cancer did not kill me.
If they have to take me off avastin for surgery and I have a heart attack I will be "cured" as the cancer did not kill me.
This is not MY definition of cured. but that does not matter because his attitude (what he shows me) is "I am a great and godlike physician and I know more than you do so no matter how much research you have done or people you have talked to on the web or (this) forum(s), sit down and shut up and do as I say because I know it all)
He bullied his way thorugh the conversation I rarely got a chance to speak and when I did he had an answer for everything
"Oh Medicare will pay for at least part of the clinical trial" (I had already told him I called them and they will pay for part yes but not the $15,000 experimental drug "Oh you talked to someone that does not know what they were talking about"
"Oh Tricare for life will pay for at least part of the clincal trial" I just called them, same answer as Medicare.
"Well the woman you talked to at the clinica trial is only the secretary she does not know what she is talking about "I'LL" talk to the Dr, and maybe as a favor they will get you in without the $15,000"
When I told him I had looked up avastin and studies have shown by itself as a maintenence drug it does not do a damn thing he said "print that out and show it to me on Monday because that's not what I have seen"
When I asked him why he took me off the chemotherapy and put me on avastin at the 3 month mark instead of six months evaluation what to do further he said and I again quote "I changed my mind"
And for the kicker a year and five months after I was diagnosed SOMEONE (my oncologist) finally let it slip;
I have the KRAS mutation meaning that most of the second or third line chemotherapies are out for me because like erbutix they won't do anything because of the mutation, would have kind of been nice to know this say even WHEN I FIRST STARTED SEEING "THIS" oncologist.
and to top it off when I asked for my last CEA levels he did not have them because although for three months regular as clockword he ordered them every other Monday when my blood work was drawn and before I saw him or his PA and then had treatment it was standard procedure to have the CEA levels also done from the bloodwork and yet this past chemotherapy (before they put me on avastin alone) or the avastin alone treatment last Monday? "I didn't order it"
DUCK ME and I mean with an F not a D.
I am so pissed right now and mostly at myself for allowing myself to be railroaded and because I am simply too tired to fight this man anymore and to tired to run around looking for other Oncologists, I give up, he can do what he wants and I accept it.
I am going to take two valium, smoke a couple cigarettes and go to sleep before I start crying.
Thank you all for thinking of me and praying for me and your concern. Will update after my treatment Monday. Oh and one more thing, the urologist his PA had me schedule an appontment with for next tuesday? He cancelled that appointment and made me one for Jan 27 for a consult with a urologist "he" likes.
okay on the verge of tears and so tired so over and out for now.
I wimped out, between him and my boyfriends "hurrahs" for him I got tired of fighting and said "fine, I'll see you Monday for my avastin treatment"
He again asserted he could "cure" me, do you want to know what his definition of cure is? and I quote "keeping you alive long enough for something else to kill you"
So if I go out tomorrow and get hit by a bus he will consider me "cured" because cancer did not kill me.
If they have to take me off avastin for surgery and I have a heart attack I will be "cured" as the cancer did not kill me.
This is not MY definition of cured. but that does not matter because his attitude (what he shows me) is "I am a great and godlike physician and I know more than you do so no matter how much research you have done or people you have talked to on the web or (this) forum(s), sit down and shut up and do as I say because I know it all)
He bullied his way thorugh the conversation I rarely got a chance to speak and when I did he had an answer for everything
"Oh Medicare will pay for at least part of the clinical trial" (I had already told him I called them and they will pay for part yes but not the $15,000 experimental drug "Oh you talked to someone that does not know what they were talking about"
"Oh Tricare for life will pay for at least part of the clincal trial" I just called them, same answer as Medicare.
"Well the woman you talked to at the clinica trial is only the secretary she does not know what she is talking about "I'LL" talk to the Dr, and maybe as a favor they will get you in without the $15,000"
When I told him I had looked up avastin and studies have shown by itself as a maintenence drug it does not do a damn thing he said "print that out and show it to me on Monday because that's not what I have seen"
When I asked him why he took me off the chemotherapy and put me on avastin at the 3 month mark instead of six months evaluation what to do further he said and I again quote "I changed my mind"
And for the kicker a year and five months after I was diagnosed SOMEONE (my oncologist) finally let it slip;
I have the KRAS mutation meaning that most of the second or third line chemotherapies are out for me because like erbutix they won't do anything because of the mutation, would have kind of been nice to know this say even WHEN I FIRST STARTED SEEING "THIS" oncologist.
and to top it off when I asked for my last CEA levels he did not have them because although for three months regular as clockword he ordered them every other Monday when my blood work was drawn and before I saw him or his PA and then had treatment it was standard procedure to have the CEA levels also done from the bloodwork and yet this past chemotherapy (before they put me on avastin alone) or the avastin alone treatment last Monday? "I didn't order it"
DUCK ME and I mean with an F not a D.
I am so pissed right now and mostly at myself for allowing myself to be railroaded and because I am simply too tired to fight this man anymore and to tired to run around looking for other Oncologists, I give up, he can do what he wants and I accept it.
I am going to take two valium, smoke a couple cigarettes and go to sleep before I start crying.
Thank you all for thinking of me and praying for me and your concern. Will update after my treatment Monday. Oh and one more thing, the urologist his PA had me schedule an appontment with for next tuesday? He cancelled that appointment and made me one for Jan 27 for a consult with a urologist "he" likes.
okay on the verge of tears and so tired so over and out for now.
Friday, December 18, 2009
Immunology therapy?
Okay I am back here to ya'll with a question.
My Oncologist just called me and threw me for a loop.
Monday his assistant will be calling me to make an appointment for me to go to another facility to talk to them about immunology therapy.
"If" I am a candidate (is this a clinical trial?) and "if" I decide to do this he will no longer be treating me and I will be taken off the Avastin.
From what he said the whole 3.4 minutes he was on the phone with me and from what I got out of what he said is, if I am a candidate and if I agree to go through this treatment, they will take a part of a cancer cell from me (like a biopsy of the cell maybe?) and make a vaccine which will then be injected into me.
I have no knowledge of this stuff and called his PA, am waiting for her to call me back so can get a better explanation.
I am scared, first he changed the "game plan" of six months of chemotherapy (Folfox-6) to after three months of chemotherapy to only Avastin, now he wants me to go do this "immunology" stuff and take me off the Avastin.
Help please if anyone has any???? I am scared, he says and my boyfriend says this is all good things cause the PET scan showed such good results but I am still scared, why all the changes????
I don't know if this is the site or not but this is information I have found so far and seems like it might be although the oncologist did not mention the cryoblation.
http://www.immunocare.net/
Edit:
I just heard back from my Oncologist's PA. She knows nothing about this except the Oncologist has one other patient a male in this clinical trial and he seems to be doing well (whatever that means)
She in confidence said to me if I did not want to go through with the clinical trial her personal advise would be to get a second opionion from another Oncologist not associated with where my Oncologist is, perhaps UCSD medical center.
I am going to read the whole website of the immunocare.net (which is where the clinical trial is) and try to find a contact number to call and get more information from them.
I always said I was not a hero, or the type of person to be a Guinea Pig with a clinical trial that was not proven and side effects were not all known, now I don't know what to do?
I guess just research then go to see them after I get an appointment set through my Oncologists assistant next Monday, and who knows maybe I won't even qualify?
I just have lost confidence in my Oncologist as I feel he is not being truthful, he lied in the beginning (I can cure you), and has changed the game plan three times now without really giving me a reason why, what do you all think?
UPDATE:
I am so pissed right now I could chew nails.
So this morning I wake up and first thing I do is call Medicare (I have Medicare/Medical and TriCare for Life) (BTW if anyone needs to call Medicare they are open 24/7)
So they pay for the usual costs with clinical trials but not for the experimental drugs itself, Tricare I don't know about as they are not open until Monday. So I called on an off chance the clinical trial, I talked to the woman I talked to yesterday. THEY DON'T EVEN ACCEPT INSURANCE! They want $15,000 UPFRONT for the drug and it can go to $20,000.
I told her take my name off the list as I am on disability and have no way to pay for this (I thank God for my Medicare/Medical and Tricare for Life as without them I would be screwed)
So then I got mad and I called my Oncologist's exchange, a different Oncologist called me back, told me of course I know with my type and degree of Cancer there is no cure (Flashback to my Oncologist first visit and his first words to me "I can cure you" GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR) and proceeded to give me a few reasons why he thought my Oncologist may have thought this clinical trial would be good for me.
I AM LIVID. First and foremost he knows I am on disability, he knows my insurance, he knows I DON'T have $15,000 and even if I had it I would not spend it on a phase I clinical trial that is at this point only checking for toxicity in patients (side effects). What the hell was this man thinking?
Or was he not thinking? Not thinking of me as a human being, as an individual, as someone who went through my first bout of chemo relatively okay and was looking forward to the next three months to get this chit down to where it could be ablated or surgery or something, a person who had hope of being given a bit more time when I still know the reality I will not beat this, but I had hope dammit! And he destroyed me yesterday, all day I cried, I worried, I fretted, I did research and for what? For something I never even had a chance of being included in even if I had decided I wanted to?
I found out he will be in the office this coming week and Monday am calling and demanding the soonest appointment, then I want to talk to him face to face, ask him WHY he thought this clinical trial would be the best for me and why with my financial condition I would even qualify.
Then I want to find out what he plans to do now with me.
Just for my own curiosity because this weekend? This weekend I start researching other Oncologists, not for a "second opinion" but because I don't see a shred of humanity in this Dr and feel I will be better off with another.
So, thank you for letting me get that off my chest, I took a valium and will be okay, forward on I march I say!
Sincerely,
Marsha
My Oncologist just called me and threw me for a loop.
Monday his assistant will be calling me to make an appointment for me to go to another facility to talk to them about immunology therapy.
"If" I am a candidate (is this a clinical trial?) and "if" I decide to do this he will no longer be treating me and I will be taken off the Avastin.
From what he said the whole 3.4 minutes he was on the phone with me and from what I got out of what he said is, if I am a candidate and if I agree to go through this treatment, they will take a part of a cancer cell from me (like a biopsy of the cell maybe?) and make a vaccine which will then be injected into me.
I have no knowledge of this stuff and called his PA, am waiting for her to call me back so can get a better explanation.
I am scared, first he changed the "game plan" of six months of chemotherapy (Folfox-6) to after three months of chemotherapy to only Avastin, now he wants me to go do this "immunology" stuff and take me off the Avastin.
Help please if anyone has any???? I am scared, he says and my boyfriend says this is all good things cause the PET scan showed such good results but I am still scared, why all the changes????
I don't know if this is the site or not but this is information I have found so far and seems like it might be although the oncologist did not mention the cryoblation.
http://www.immunocare.net/
Edit:
I just heard back from my Oncologist's PA. She knows nothing about this except the Oncologist has one other patient a male in this clinical trial and he seems to be doing well (whatever that means)
She in confidence said to me if I did not want to go through with the clinical trial her personal advise would be to get a second opionion from another Oncologist not associated with where my Oncologist is, perhaps UCSD medical center.
I am going to read the whole website of the immunocare.net (which is where the clinical trial is) and try to find a contact number to call and get more information from them.
I always said I was not a hero, or the type of person to be a Guinea Pig with a clinical trial that was not proven and side effects were not all known, now I don't know what to do?
I guess just research then go to see them after I get an appointment set through my Oncologists assistant next Monday, and who knows maybe I won't even qualify?
I just have lost confidence in my Oncologist as I feel he is not being truthful, he lied in the beginning (I can cure you), and has changed the game plan three times now without really giving me a reason why, what do you all think?
UPDATE:
I am so pissed right now I could chew nails.
So this morning I wake up and first thing I do is call Medicare (I have Medicare/Medical and TriCare for Life) (BTW if anyone needs to call Medicare they are open 24/7)
So they pay for the usual costs with clinical trials but not for the experimental drugs itself, Tricare I don't know about as they are not open until Monday. So I called on an off chance the clinical trial, I talked to the woman I talked to yesterday. THEY DON'T EVEN ACCEPT INSURANCE! They want $15,000 UPFRONT for the drug and it can go to $20,000.
I told her take my name off the list as I am on disability and have no way to pay for this (I thank God for my Medicare/Medical and Tricare for Life as without them I would be screwed)
So then I got mad and I called my Oncologist's exchange, a different Oncologist called me back, told me of course I know with my type and degree of Cancer there is no cure (Flashback to my Oncologist first visit and his first words to me "I can cure you" GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR) and proceeded to give me a few reasons why he thought my Oncologist may have thought this clinical trial would be good for me.
I AM LIVID. First and foremost he knows I am on disability, he knows my insurance, he knows I DON'T have $15,000 and even if I had it I would not spend it on a phase I clinical trial that is at this point only checking for toxicity in patients (side effects). What the hell was this man thinking?
Or was he not thinking? Not thinking of me as a human being, as an individual, as someone who went through my first bout of chemo relatively okay and was looking forward to the next three months to get this chit down to where it could be ablated or surgery or something, a person who had hope of being given a bit more time when I still know the reality I will not beat this, but I had hope dammit! And he destroyed me yesterday, all day I cried, I worried, I fretted, I did research and for what? For something I never even had a chance of being included in even if I had decided I wanted to?
I found out he will be in the office this coming week and Monday am calling and demanding the soonest appointment, then I want to talk to him face to face, ask him WHY he thought this clinical trial would be the best for me and why with my financial condition I would even qualify.
Then I want to find out what he plans to do now with me.
Just for my own curiosity because this weekend? This weekend I start researching other Oncologists, not for a "second opinion" but because I don't see a shred of humanity in this Dr and feel I will be better off with another.
So, thank you for letting me get that off my chest, I took a valium and will be okay, forward on I march I say!
Sincerely,
Marsha
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Bladder problems
Okay my bladder problems are getting worse, the detrol even upped in dose has not helped and I am to the point of wearing poise pads as when I cough, sneeze, laugh etc, whatever is in my bladder comes out.
2004 I had a bladder lift, the Urologist told me at some time I might have to have it done again. Since I have been taken off the chemo and left on just the Avastin I talked to my Oncologist's PA and she referred me to a Urologist, just to have a consultation and see if it is time to have another bladder lift or if it can wait until April when we see the results of my next PET scan.
The Urologist's office called today and I have an appointment with them on December 29th, Tuesday the day after my Avastin treatment, from what we talked about it will be a consultation and then he will consult with my Oncologist or his PA and a decision will be made from there.
I am pretty sure I have to have another bladder lift as the bladder leakage is to the point it was before the last one, the only concern is my cancer and the Avastin I am on. But we will see. Will keep you updated.
So far no problems with the Avastin alone and my Oncologist put me on Carafate for the stomach pains I have sometimes at night. so unless something changes or something comes up will probably update again on the 28th and then the 29th so Happy Holidays everyone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2004 I had a bladder lift, the Urologist told me at some time I might have to have it done again. Since I have been taken off the chemo and left on just the Avastin I talked to my Oncologist's PA and she referred me to a Urologist, just to have a consultation and see if it is time to have another bladder lift or if it can wait until April when we see the results of my next PET scan.
The Urologist's office called today and I have an appointment with them on December 29th, Tuesday the day after my Avastin treatment, from what we talked about it will be a consultation and then he will consult with my Oncologist or his PA and a decision will be made from there.
I am pretty sure I have to have another bladder lift as the bladder leakage is to the point it was before the last one, the only concern is my cancer and the Avastin I am on. But we will see. Will keep you updated.
So far no problems with the Avastin alone and my Oncologist put me on Carafate for the stomach pains I have sometimes at night. so unless something changes or something comes up will probably update again on the 28th and then the 29th so Happy Holidays everyone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
A Question
Okay I have a question that is worrying the hell out of me and wonder if anyone has heard of this and/or gone through this?
See results of PET scan.
Okay yesterday went in, got blood work drawn, went in to see my Oncologist instead of His PA like I had thought (I don't really trust my Oncologist to tell me the truth, but I like His PA LOL hey this is the man who when I first walked into His office told me he could "CURE" me (yeah right) and then declined to answer when I asked Him if He would do chemotherapy.
So anyways he shocked the living crap out of me! He took me off everything but the Avastin! Is this standard procedure when there are still 6 large mets in my liver and numerous (He still could not tell me how many) shrinking mets in both lungs??? or is this guy using me as a guinea pig as some sort of trial and not telling me?
I mean okay I admit I love the fact that the only real side effects I will have is nosebleeds (have been on Avastin along with the other products since the beginning and have had nosebleeds but not bad), hypertension, yes my blood pressure goes up a bit but not bad so far, peeling skin (have my bag balm (somewhere still haven't found it after the unpacking but am sure it is is in one of my bags), fatigue, have gotten used to that and learned how to deal with it and then the more serious side effects that I read but don't pay attention to unless/until they happen then get on the phone with my PA and start screaming in pain (grins ~ no seriously really I do) and to add to that even with the blood draw, the seeing the Dr, the administration of the premeds and the Avastin I get out of there in under 2 hours instead of 5 and NO pack to wear home.
But in spite of all these "good things" I am seriously concerned about this course of treatment and would love to hear opinions, facts that have happened to any others that were put on Avastin alone and any other help ya'll might have.
Thank you and god bless all.
See results of PET scan.
Okay yesterday went in, got blood work drawn, went in to see my Oncologist instead of His PA like I had thought (I don't really trust my Oncologist to tell me the truth, but I like His PA LOL hey this is the man who when I first walked into His office told me he could "CURE" me (yeah right) and then declined to answer when I asked Him if He would do chemotherapy.
So anyways he shocked the living crap out of me! He took me off everything but the Avastin! Is this standard procedure when there are still 6 large mets in my liver and numerous (He still could not tell me how many) shrinking mets in both lungs??? or is this guy using me as a guinea pig as some sort of trial and not telling me?
I mean okay I admit I love the fact that the only real side effects I will have is nosebleeds (have been on Avastin along with the other products since the beginning and have had nosebleeds but not bad), hypertension, yes my blood pressure goes up a bit but not bad so far, peeling skin (have my bag balm (somewhere still haven't found it after the unpacking but am sure it is is in one of my bags), fatigue, have gotten used to that and learned how to deal with it and then the more serious side effects that I read but don't pay attention to unless/until they happen then get on the phone with my PA and start screaming in pain (grins ~ no seriously really I do) and to add to that even with the blood draw, the seeing the Dr, the administration of the premeds and the Avastin I get out of there in under 2 hours instead of 5 and NO pack to wear home.
But in spite of all these "good things" I am seriously concerned about this course of treatment and would love to hear opinions, facts that have happened to any others that were put on Avastin alone and any other help ya'll might have.
Thank you and god bless all.
Friday, December 11, 2009
Just a short note
Just a short note to let ya'll know I "think" the depression is over with and I am out of bed and showered and taking care of myself.
I had a talk with Tom and told him the reality of this is things are going to get uglier before they get pretty, the throwing up and diarrhea, the neuropathy, the mood swings, the pain etc, and he IS going to have to help with a lot of the household things. He says he will and today he helped me bring the laundry down to the machines and will help me bring them up so maybe things will get better if I keep it as "I need you" instead "Do it dammit" LOL
I love him so much and I guess part of the fact is sometimes I feel worthless when I cannot take care of him as I did before I started the chemo and that hits me hard mentally and emotionally.
So guess am on an up mood swing, any bets before the next down mood swing hits? (LOL well only partly joking).
Take care and have a wonderful day everyone.
I had a talk with Tom and told him the reality of this is things are going to get uglier before they get pretty, the throwing up and diarrhea, the neuropathy, the mood swings, the pain etc, and he IS going to have to help with a lot of the household things. He says he will and today he helped me bring the laundry down to the machines and will help me bring them up so maybe things will get better if I keep it as "I need you" instead "Do it dammit" LOL
I love him so much and I guess part of the fact is sometimes I feel worthless when I cannot take care of him as I did before I started the chemo and that hits me hard mentally and emotionally.
So guess am on an up mood swing, any bets before the next down mood swing hits? (LOL well only partly joking).
Take care and have a wonderful day everyone.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Update on PET scan
My Oncologist's Assistant just called me and told me the results of my PET scan:
Cancer cells (mets) in the lungs are shrinking
There were 12 large cancer cells (mets) in my liver, there are now 6.
Crying, as I am happy and hopeful but scared too, three more months of the same chemo to come, please God let me be able to take it.
Cancer cells (mets) in the lungs are shrinking
There were 12 large cancer cells (mets) in my liver, there are now 6.
Crying, as I am happy and hopeful but scared too, three more months of the same chemo to come, please God let me be able to take it.
Why
Why am I so exhausted, why am I so depressed I don't want to do anything or get out of bed?
Why don't I ever get what "I" want in a relationship; to get told I am pretty and appreciated as well as loved, to get a rose from time to time or some some token of affection, a small I love you letter, or something? (yes I appreciate the one fake rose with the teddy bear on it Tom and it touched me greatly) No I get told since I am going to die anyways why spend money on me for jewelry (yeah I still think about that) and Tom out and out told me he is not my knight on a white horse or Prince Charming.
Why do I think sometimes it would be better to just stop the chemo, live whatever time I left at least healthy rather than ill or afraid of the next chemo treatment, why was I chosen to get cancer? Why do I get to feel less of a woman because I have to wear bladder pads (since it seems my bladder has dropped again and I can't get the operation as to have it lifted again as long as I am on chemo) and Tom seemingly isn't attracted to me anymore? Why? Just Why?
So anyways I had my PET scan and just waiting for the results and then next Monday I go to have chemo again and am scared of it, knowing it got worse the last time and will just continue to get worse.
I'm the one with cancer and sick and yet guess who packed "everything" ing in the house to move????? Me, because Tom is a procrastinator and I stress over doing things at the last minute. His reasoning? "I hate to live out of boxes" and yet when we get moved here (had moving men with a truck) guess who had to unpack "everything" and put it away, even to his clothes in the closet and in "HIS" dresser.
I am feeling very resentful right now but cannot talk about it to him, we almost came to the "let's just split up" part when I tried to talk to him about helping me pack before we moved and I am afraid it will really happen if I keep at him.
I feel like I am his maid, his laundress, his cat sitter, his cook and now his mother nagging him to put things up on the walls so the cats won't get them and knock them down. He loves me I know this, and I know he cares but sometimes I need more than a bear hug or a how are you feeling or a fleeting kiss or a pressing my lips to the side of HIS neck, sometimes I need more and yet how do I get that when I now know he won't give them to me or is incapable of doing so, I guess since I love him so much I once again make the sacrifice of giving up the me for him (meaning he gets everything the way he wants it and I make do with what he does give me.
I am so terribly exhausted and have no energy to do anything, my only patch of sun in these clouds is the hopefully good results of my PET scan, I am spiraling down into depression and none of the drugs my Dr. is giving me is helping me and I have no friends to talk to, don't want to "inconvenience" Tom by asking him to drive me to a counsellorl and I am so scared of my next chemo session.
Why don't I ever get what "I" want in a relationship; to get told I am pretty and appreciated as well as loved, to get a rose from time to time or some some token of affection, a small I love you letter, or something? (yes I appreciate the one fake rose with the teddy bear on it Tom and it touched me greatly) No I get told since I am going to die anyways why spend money on me for jewelry (yeah I still think about that) and Tom out and out told me he is not my knight on a white horse or Prince Charming.
Why do I think sometimes it would be better to just stop the chemo, live whatever time I left at least healthy rather than ill or afraid of the next chemo treatment, why was I chosen to get cancer? Why do I get to feel less of a woman because I have to wear bladder pads (since it seems my bladder has dropped again and I can't get the operation as to have it lifted again as long as I am on chemo) and Tom seemingly isn't attracted to me anymore? Why? Just Why?
So anyways I had my PET scan and just waiting for the results and then next Monday I go to have chemo again and am scared of it, knowing it got worse the last time and will just continue to get worse.
I'm the one with cancer and sick and yet guess who packed "everything" ing in the house to move????? Me, because Tom is a procrastinator and I stress over doing things at the last minute. His reasoning? "I hate to live out of boxes" and yet when we get moved here (had moving men with a truck) guess who had to unpack "everything" and put it away, even to his clothes in the closet and in "HIS" dresser.
I am feeling very resentful right now but cannot talk about it to him, we almost came to the "let's just split up" part when I tried to talk to him about helping me pack before we moved and I am afraid it will really happen if I keep at him.
I feel like I am his maid, his laundress, his cat sitter, his cook and now his mother nagging him to put things up on the walls so the cats won't get them and knock them down. He loves me I know this, and I know he cares but sometimes I need more than a bear hug or a how are you feeling or a fleeting kiss or a pressing my lips to the side of HIS neck, sometimes I need more and yet how do I get that when I now know he won't give them to me or is incapable of doing so, I guess since I love him so much I once again make the sacrifice of giving up the me for him (meaning he gets everything the way he wants it and I make do with what he does give me.
I am so terribly exhausted and have no energy to do anything, my only patch of sun in these clouds is the hopefully good results of my PET scan, I am spiraling down into depression and none of the drugs my Dr. is giving me is helping me and I have no friends to talk to, don't want to "inconvenience" Tom by asking him to drive me to a counsellorl and I am so scared of my next chemo session.
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