Why

Why am I so exhausted, why am I so depressed I don't want to do anything or get out of bed?

Why don't I ever get what "I" want in a relationship; to get told I am pretty and appreciated as well as loved, to get a rose from time to time or some some token of affection, a small I love you letter, or something?  (yes I appreciate the one fake rose with the teddy bear on it Tom and it touched me greatly) No I get told since I am going to die anyways why spend money on me for jewelry (yeah I still think about that) and Tom out and out told me he is not my knight on a white horse or Prince Charming.

Why do I think sometimes it would be better to just stop the chemo, live whatever time I left at least healthy rather than ill or afraid of the next chemo treatment, why was I chosen to get cancer? Why do I get to feel less of a woman because I have to wear bladder pads (since it seems my bladder has dropped again and I can't get the operation as to have it lifted again as long as I am on chemo) and Tom seemingly isn't attracted to me anymore? Why? Just Why?

So anyways I had my PET scan and just waiting for the results and then next Monday I go to have chemo again and am scared of it, knowing it got worse the last time and will just continue to get worse.

I'm the one with cancer and sick and yet guess who packed "everything" ing in the house to move????? Me, because Tom is a procrastinator and I stress over doing things at the last minute. His reasoning? "I hate to live out of boxes" and yet when we get moved here (had moving men with a truck) guess who had to unpack "everything" and put it away, even to his clothes in the closet and in "HIS" dresser.


I am feeling very resentful right now but cannot talk about it to him, we almost came to the "let's just split up" part when I tried to talk to him about helping me pack before we moved and I am afraid it will really happen if I keep at him.

I feel like I am his maid, his laundress, his cat sitter, his cook and now his mother nagging him to put things up on the walls so the cats won't get them and knock them down.  He loves me I know this, and I know he cares but sometimes I need more than a bear hug or a how are you feeling or a fleeting kiss or a pressing my lips to the side of HIS neck, sometimes I need more and yet how do I get that when I now know he won't give them to me or is incapable of doing so, I guess since I love him so much I once again make the sacrifice of giving up the me for him (meaning he gets everything the way he wants it and I make do with what he does give me.

I am so terribly exhausted and have no energy to do anything, my only patch of sun in these clouds is the hopefully good results of my PET scan, I am spiraling down into depression and none of the drugs my Dr. is giving me is helping me and I have no friends to talk to, don't want to "inconvenience" Tom by asking him to drive me to a counsellorl and I am so scared of my next chemo session.