Fourth Chemo session and a world of hurt

Sorry I haven't posted in a week or so but man I just couldn't.  I had complications with the tooth pulling but first let me back that up to the weekend after the tooth pulling.  I was on some serious knockout drugs and ended up peeing the bed then having diarrhea and I tried to clean everything up, but no money to do laundry and being ashamed of having these bodily things happen while your in bed with your boyfriend and then having pain and no energy to clean up well they all added up to make me feel the lowest I've felt yet. 

So this past Monday I go into chemo and they can't get a blood draw from my port, well they tried and tried then sent me down to the surgery where they put it in, the assistant kept manipulating the thing under my skin (that hurt let me tell you and she's going "hmmm" "hmmmm") then she calls in the surgeon well come to find out a RARE thing happened with me, the week before this I had been laying down watching TV, heard a small click from my chest where the port is and felt it settle deeper into my chest, turns out the damn thing turned over!!!!!

So, the surgeon manipulates it back into place like a doctor would a baby who's in the breech position and says if it happens again they will have to cut me open and stitch the port down (great thought that it "might" happen again),.

So then go get my blood drawn, my CEA is down to 182 but my white cell count is down to 1.4.  So get my chemo treatment and get told to come back Wednesday and get the port disconnected and then get a shot to boost my white blood cells.

One of my teeth they didn't work on at the dentist is KILLING me so we call and go into the dentist, the dentist looks and a RARE thing has  happened, a piece of my jawbone got splintered when they pulled the tooth next to that one and got stuck in the gum and infected, etc etc.  So we numbed the area, pulled the piece of bone and off we went.

 I got more antibiotics and Tylenol #4. 

So Wednesday we go back, get port taken out, have a bit of  scare as she cannot get a blood draw right away then she got it and then I got the shot for the white blood cells.  The nurse told me I would feel pain in the long bones of my legs so I get home take a Tylenol #4 and am out like a light for about 24 hours.

Yesterday I couldn't take the grubbiness of the house and the icky pissy and diarrhea smell and asked Tom to get me some quarters and did 5 loads of laundry and still have two to go, but the bed is clean and made, the house smells better and I am showered and clean although it took me all day to clean a studio and do laundry and I had like 20 meltdowns in between.  I am taking Valium and even  they don't help when I get overwhelmed or really let myself realize this is not going to have have a happy ending for me, I won' make it through this, I am going to die whether it's months or a few years, I'm not going to beat the odds.

And I don't want to leave Tom, I love him so much .............. Okay crying here so have to calm down.  Tom is sleeping next to me and I'll just cuddle him and be thankful for the time we have now.

Please add me to the prayer list for strength as I really really need it now.

Two upbeat things, Tom passed His physical at work (yeah!) and hopefully the first of December we'll be moving into a one bedroom beautiful condo)

Okay will write more later as I am able................................

Love,

Marsha

Monday and today

So, Monday went and got my teeth taken care of: 3 pulled and seven filling all at one time.  The insurance wouldn't pay for it all so the dentists office very graciously let me make payments on the balance (Five hundred and something) at $15 a month.

The dentist was great and so was his assistant. Barely any pain and right now the only thing that hurts is the side they had to "dig" the tooth out piece by piece as it wouldn't come straight out like the other ones.

So got an antibiotic prescription, another prescription for vicodin and told to come back today for a "deep cleaning" and consultation on 2 partial bridges.

Tom drove me and got there at 1pm today.  They called me back right away, get set in the chair and the receptionist/biller comes back and says I am over my allowed dental allotment for the year by my other insurance so can't have the cleaning or bridges BUT the new year cycle for my allotment for dental comes  up in January so we made an appointment then to get the deep cleaning and the partial bridges.   Now if my white blood cell count and platelet count will just keep cooperating and the side effects of the chemo stays mild I should have my teeth all taken care of in January.

Okay, just wanted to update on that, talk to ya'll again next Monday if not before ~ You are all in my thoughts and prayers ................................................

Oncologist visit and Dentist visit

Hope everyone is having a wonderful morning and day or night (depending where you are).  It's 3:45 am here and once again I am wide awake, but plan on going back to bed soon.

Yesterday Tom and I went to see my Oncologist; blood pressure normal range, blood drawn and white blood cell count and platelet range doing very well.  Will get the results of the CEA level again probably this next Monday as I go in for my fourth chemotherapy treatment.

I don't have the best of teeth and as I said had been having a toothache in an upper left molar.  My Oncologist gave me a note that it was okay to do the extraction and treat me in the usual manner.   There is a new dentist that opened not far from where Tom and I lived and we headed over there. 

Not good news, not one but two teeth needed to be extracted and 7 cavities filled.  I still have all my front and right to the side teeth, but all the molars are gone so we decided to do all the extractions and cavity filling in one fell swoop.  I have to say, never felt any pain not even from the needle, just pressure at the most even when they pulled the one tooth out and dug the other one out.

Got my instructions and made very reasonable payment arrangements to cover the over and above cost my insurance will not pay, said thank you so very much and Tom brought me home.  Took antibiotics and pain pills and replaced gauze over holes, so far so good, I even had a meal of soup and pudding and Gatorade. 

I go back this Wednesday for a deep cleaning and then will consult with the dentist on partial dentures.  Weird how for a long time I did not take the best care of my teeth and now with the knowledge that I can only buy so much time with the chemotherapy I now want to take better care of my teeth including getting them fixed LOL.

Well that's all the news for now, will write more later, I hope everyone has a great and wonderful day ...................................................

Just a quick update on side effects

The only remaining side effects seems to be a LOT of fatigue, I mean I am sleeping almost constantly when Tom is at work and barely stay awake for an hour or so when he is home and we are watching TV.  The other side effect is the neuropathy.  I seem to be waking up about 5:30 or 6am and I come down by the pool to read the paper and let Tom sleep some more.

Typing, touching the table, even a breeze makes my fingers, hands and feet tingle.

Diarrhea and nausea/throwing up seem to be gone (hopefully) for this round.  Monday I see my Oncologist and get blood work done, then the next Monday is chemotherapy treatment again.

Talk to ya'll later and have a wonderful day everyone  ........................

Restraining order

The judge denied it, guess me or Tom have to have black eyes and bloody lips to get any help with this harassement issue.  I am not going to let the bullies win though I refuse to stay locked in my house afraid of being out in the sun and breeze on the days I feel well enough to.

I have been trying to get my meds by mail for the past four  hours and am crying steadily I am so frustrated about both issues.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, to change the things I can and to know the difference. ..........................................

Getting pack taken off and new CEA count

Went back to the cancer treatment center and had the pack disconnected from my port.  They also took out some of the stitches that had not been absorbed by my body, there are a couple more to take out yet.  No blockage in the port so far, free flow of blood so I am doing pretty good there.

Have felt nauseous the past few days and very tired, today is going to be a  lay in bed all day and not do a thing except watch TV and sleep.

My CEA count from 10/05/09 is 228.36 so it's going down (Yeah chemo keep fighting that cancer).

Next Monday go back to my Oncologist for blood draw and follow up with him, then the Monday after, chemo again.

Will update as side effects get worse or better and definitely will update tomorrow.

Take care all ......................................................

Third chemotherapy session

Pretty much the same routine, check in, get my blood drawn (through my port, not problems getting a draw and she left the tube in for when I came back to the day waiting room for treatment.) wait for the labs to come back, guess my white blood cell count and platelets are doing fine as they take me back for treatment.

Tom and I get all set up in the corner and the treatment begins, we watched more Grey's Anatomy on my laptop and Tom went and got us lunch at some point, good lunch and then the rest of the treatment.  They say 2-4 hours for treatment but I don't think we have or will get out of there in under six hours what with the waiting to be seen (not all that long), the blood draws (over in a minute), the waiting to be seen as they wait for the blood results to come back (little bit longer wait), the treatment (seems forever).

The nurse assigned today gave me the Avastin in 30 minutes rather than an hour, I didn't really understand her explanation of why so have to call the Dr. today anyway so will ask or tomorrow when I got to get the pack unplugged. (It was either they were  pushing  more in at a faster rate, or pushing less so it didn't take so long)

I know I dosed during treatment but don't think I really fell asleep.  I have been real nervous lately and my Dr. has me on Valium 5mg. and Wellbutrin, but the Wellbutrin is for to stop smoking (Stupid insurance companies and their more hoops, had to take the patch and my Dr. had to report it did not work, now have to take Wellbutrin and then when my Dr. says it does not work they will either FINALLY fill my prescription for Chantix to stop smoking or put me through more hoops (Uh, DUH! in case no one has been paying attention smokers have become pariahs and there are even cities in Southern California that are banning smoking in their City.  Smoking is an addiction and bad for your health right? Uh duh, cancer here and going through chemotherapy wouldn't it make sense for the insurance to want to help me stop smoking)

So okay back to the original subject. after chemotherapy I was really shaky and weak and emotional, have been going through spells like this, not sure if it's the chemo, the chit with the restraining order and court upcoming on Thursday or my worry about Tom and me.  Got to talk to Kristin and she asked me how often I take the Wellbutrin and I said once a day, she said up it to two a day and we will see how that works.  Stupid chemo brain! When I got home I found out I take one every 12 hours so already take two a day.  I called the office and left a message for her and will call her tomorrow.

The side effects from the oxaliplatin have started to kick in, I went to get Tom a cold pack from the freezer and was like "OUCH" the minute my hands touched the cold stuff.  No more teeny static electricity shocks, nope big time hurting burning sensation when I touch cold, shards of glass feel in the back of my throat when I drink something cold and even tingling in my hands and feet even when not touching anything cold.

It's 3:44am right now and I threw up for like the fifth time.  Oh yeah this treatment is going wonderful.

The baby shower Sunday was nice for my ex neighbor, small as a lot of people backed out of it but cute.  And she loved the stroller we got her although Tom thought spending over $200 for a baby stroller with a car seat was a bit much.  She is pregnant, just got kicked out of this apartment complex over her stupid boyfriend drinking, just broke up with him and is moving into a "roommate" situation for the first time in her life, I think she deserved a very nice gift and we payed halvsies on it so ................. (grin).

Forgot to ask what my last CEA count so will ask when I call today or just find out on Wednesday.

Okay will write more today as the side effects keep coming, take care all ............................

Can't sleep, worried, irritable, depressed

Well yesterday I guess I hit the overload button and went off on Tom, crying and letting out things I had let build up in me.  I am so very thankful to have him in my life he is a wonderful man, yet sometimes, it's like I am the last person he considers.  I guess it's just my anxiety over my chemotherapy session which will be today and wondering why my blood pressure keeps going up when I have never had high blood pressure in my life.  It's not bad enough yet the Dr. is putting me on meds for it but what if  it does get that high?

I feel guilty about Tom having to take me to the Dr's and then staying with me for the treatments, maybe today I'll ask him to just drop me off and then I'll call him when I am done and ready to go home, and maybe I can check into the van that they say I can sign up for to come get me.  I just feel bad about taking up his time on his days off. 

And it doesn't help that he really doesn't talk to me about things, I mean we talk, we laugh, we have discussions but never about "us" and if we do I initiate it.  And I don't want to  become the girlfriend who says "we have to talk".  Maybe I need to talk to my Dr. about depression medication, I'll see.

Tom fell out of love with his wife, what happens if he falls out of love with me?  I am so anxious lately and worried and I don't want to be.  I am just tired, just so very tired and to have Tom not talk to me about important things like going to court on Thursday, and my mood swings and well other intimate things.

Last night he took a neighbor to the store and I woke up and he wasn't home, well I went to the door in time to see him and the neighbor walk right by me on the lower level and heard their conversation, then he comes home and I ask just casually what they talked about, he says nothing.  Fine you don't want to tell me then don't tell me but ....................

I know I shouldn't be griping as he is my miracle and I am lucky to have him but I am only human and a broken one at that.....................................................

Updated CEA Level for 09/28/09

Julianna from my Oncologists office called and my CEA level from 09/28/09 blood draw is 238.9 (whew it went down!) So now am waiting for my CEA Levels from 10/05/09

Just wanted to update ;)

A song from a talented lady with tragedy in her heart that I am taking as my motto

Kandi Burruss from The Real Housewives of Atlanta is grieving from the death of her ex-fiance A.J. Jewell. The song “Fly Above” was written about dealing with public criticism

“Fly Above:”

I’m so comfortable in the skin I’m in,
I’m secure about who I am,
so you go ahead and talk all you wanna,
I built up a shell and it’s hard and it’s armored.
It seems like every step I take up,
drama comes along with the bread I cake up.
But you aint doing nothin if you don’t have haters,
so I welcome you to do what’s in your nature.

I'm like a jet airplane,
way too high to hear you throwing salt on my name.
I know I’m not the only one
if people love to hate you
go and throw your hands up
go ahead and spread your wings
cuz you gotta fly above.

I fly above all the drama,
I I fly above, I I fly above, I I fly above,
it’s beneath me, it’s beneath me, it’s beneath me.
So I fly above all the haters,
I I fly above, I I fly above, I I fly above,
it’s beneath me, it’s beneath me, it’s beneath me

If everybody hatin’ cuz you fly-i-i,
then gon throw yo hands in the sky-i-i,
If people jealous cuz you live yo li-i-ife,
then gon throw yo hands in the sky-i-i,

see I aint even worried bout you and your insecurities,
the only thing that matters is my family and G.O.D.
I’m a shooting star but my feet still on the ground
and when you flying high people wanna shoot you down

I’m like a jet airplane,
I’m way too high to hear you throwing salt on my name.
I know I’m not the only one if people love to hate
You go and throw your hands up
go ahead and spread your wings
cuz you gotta fly above.

I fly above all the drama,
I I fly above, I I fly above, I I fly above,
It’s beneath me, it’s beneath me, it’s beneath me.
So I fly above all the haters,
I fly above, I I fly above, I I fly above,
it’s beneath me, it’s beneath me, it’s beneath me

All you haters (haters),
You’re the wind beneath my wings (wind beneath my wings),
you just make me fly higher (higher), higher (higher), higher,
oh you just make me fly higher, make me fly higher, make me fly higher

I’m like a jet airplane,
way too high to hear you throwing salt on my name.
I know I’m not the only one if people love to hate
you gon and throw your hands up
go ahead and spread your wings
cuz you gotta fly above.

I fly above all the drama,
I I fly above, I I fly above, I I fly above,
it’s beneath me, it’s beneath me, it’s beneath me.
So I fly above all the haters,
I I fly above, I I fly above, I I fly above,
it’s beneath me, it’s beneath me, it’s beneath me

My beloved Tom

We helped a friend move this past Sunday and Tuesday Tom's back started hurting him so we really didn't do anything that day.  Yesterday Tom was supposed to go back to work after his 3 day off time but took a sick day.  Today his boss needs him in so I just packed his lunch and sent him off to work.  I am hoping he will be okay, his back did seem to be a bit better today.

He does so much for me and I am the type of person I might smother him a bit too much if he does not feel well or something, I am always asking how he is feeling, can I get him anything, should I shift the pillows a bit, does he want to sit up if he's laying down, or lay down if he's sitting up.  I  hope he's okay with all that, it's my empathy side and I can't help it, I love him so much and he is such a wonderful man I want to make his life the best and happiest it can be and he does so very much for me.

Me, side effects have subsided so hopefully will stay that way at least until chemo treatment on the 12th.

On another note, the neighbor Tom filed a restraining order against was served with it yesterday but the night before he had once again watched us from the old biddies apartment and then came out and made derogatory, inflammatory and harassing comments.  I wrote down all he did and said and made a copy of it for the apartment manager and gave it to her and also put a copy in the file Tom is taking to the court on the 15th of this month for the permanent restraining order hearing.

I also wrote out my testimony as my name is with Tom's as petitioner on the restraining order but because I get chemo treatment again this coming Monday and the hearing is on Thursday "in case" I cannot go Tom will take my statement with him.

One of the neighbors that witnessed the harassment and threats said although she has moved out (she is the one we helped move and is 7 months pregnant) said she will also write a statement for Tom to take to court.

The other neighbor that witnessed it I asked Tom about asking him to either go to court with Tom or write a statement but I don't think the man will do it because even though he professes "Tom is like a brother to him" and "He'd do anything for Tom"  him going to court or writing a statement will mean he will have to "get off the fence" he is sitting on and take a side and since he is friends with all those who harass us and even the man who threatened Tom I don't think he has the guts to stand  up for his "best friend"

Oh well, I already know what type of person he is and even though we talk to him and have coffee with him down by the pool when he does come out sometimes in the morning, I tell him what "I" want him to know and nothing else as I know it all goes to the other neighbors and he .gossips about if not Tom then about me as it seems even though Tom is like a brother and he'd stand up for him I don't mean anything (Rolls my eyes)

So here I sit down by the pool, nice calm  cool day and quiet typing and reading, I found out my computer has a webcam on it and how to work it AND built in microphone capabilities so I have this and my pad of paper and pen standing by "in case" the restrained person comes home from work and starts chit.  (How sad is this world when I have done nothing to anyone and yet am harassed and not only me but Tom, who lived here and was friends with everyone before I moved in and stood up for myself when they started talking behind my back and said I was lying about having cancer, not good enough for Tom etc, etc????)

Shakes my head, oh well, anyways going to do some research on the web then type a bit on the colon cancer website.  So will talk to you all later and hope you are having a great and wonderful day.......

Meeting with Oncologist and blood work

So I go in today and get the blood work done from the port (have I raved yet how MUCH I love this port? (grins)

Then in to see my Oncologist, he says white blood cell count and platelet counts are fine, blood pressure a teeny bit high (it has been the last couple of times but must not be too high or worrisome) and we will see the results of the CEA from today next Monday when I go in to do my 3rd session of chemotherapy.

Diarrhea is starting to get on my nerves, but if it doesn't get any worse I can deal with it, heck I don't really have a choice except to get the Dr. to prescribe something if it gets worse so we shall see.

Other than diarrhea and a bit of fatigue am fine, tooth stopped hurting so guess the antibiotics helped.

Will update during the week as side effects come and go and I get ready for my next chemo session on Monday but today I ask you all to focus good and healing thoughts on my youngest son Will.  He is in Florida and going through a trying time and illness (not my story or place to tell it so will leave it at he really really means the world to me as does my oldest son but Will, well he is special to me and my heart hurts for him right now so please any healing thoughts, prayers or words would be appreciated.

Talk to you again soon ................................

Joys of side effects............. not!

Oh the joys of chemotherapy side effects, so now I am awake, feeling better, not as lethargic, down by the pool drinking coffee, I cough and what happens? Diarrhea city! ARGH!

Okay will write later, went upstairs and cleaned up and am downstairs again ...........

Looks like I am on the upswing from side effects, no more diarrhea after this morning, a hell of a mood swing hit me though and I had a crying jag.  But have settled down and am feeling a lot better, so we shall see what the Dr. has to say on Monday.

We have to go grocery shopping after the Dr's visit and go to Babies R Us to buy a stroller for a friend for her baby shower.

Will update good and bad in between but will up date at the latest on the Dr's visit.  Have been taken it slow doing housework today and have been watching Bravo's "Housewives of Atlanta" he he he

Take care all .................................

Night and Day from Hell

Okay so maybe it's not the side effects or maybe it is but I feel like pure crap;  my head hurts, my stomach hurts, my back hurts, my tooth hurts.  I don't remember Tom coming home from work again and have no idea what he ate for dinner (Okay so am I slipping into bad girlfriend mode cause I can't wake up and have no energy to move?)

This morning the cats, well Kelly to be exact jumped all over me in an effort to get someone to get up and feed them, finally moaning I rolled out of bed and made it to the bathroom in time to avoid an accident and Tom fed the cats.  We are downstairs and drinking coffee but don't think I will be down here too long.  It feels like I haven't slept in a year and yet that is all I have done for the past two days is sleep.

Maybe today will be a better day, just stay in bed, get my energy back and start on the down slope of side effects which really except for the fatigue haven't been bad at all.

Right now I am in a sucky mood though, I can't get comfortable and don't know what I want I just know I am on the verge of tears, tired and scared.

Please think of me today. someone ........................

So so tired

Yesterday and today it is like I have no energy at all, I spent most of yesterday afternoon and night in bed, sleeping off and on, didn't even realize when Tom got home from work and he had to forage for himself for dinner.

Today I woke up and fed the cats, got the dishes together and set them in the sink and made coffee, went downstairs by the pool and read the paper then Tom came down and a couple neighbors came over and sat with us talking.

Soon though I was exhausted and we came back upstairs.  Tom had eaten a plate of food one of our neighbors had given him so I quickly microwaved a Jimmy Dean egg/sausage/cheese biscuit and ate it then laid down and was out like a light in Tom's arms while he watched T.V.

He got his lunch together and  headed out to work and I went back to sleep, woke up a few times but only to turn over and go back to sleep.  It's like I cannot get enough sleep, I am tired and no matter how much I sleep I am still tired.

So, watching The Real Housewives of Atlanta on Bravo while I type this but going to lay down again in a minute and go back to sleep.

I feel a bit guilty that I am not getting anything done, but I know I also  need to take a day now and then for myself so I guess yesterday and today are my days.

Will write more later ........................................