Downward spiral emotionally

The tooth finally is going to be okay I think although every now and then I have to take a pill when it hurts.  The dentist yesterday took out the medicine for the dry socket and is taking the stitches out next Wednesday.

My bones ache and hurt so much I am guessing from the shot to get my white blood count up or maybe it's arthritis starting, I just know I am in a lot of pain from it.

And twice this past two weeks I have woken up not able to breathe, drowning in my own vomit until I can get it up and cough and take wheezing gulps of air.  I don't know if it's a side effect of the chemo or of the pain pills I have been taking for the teeth and legs.

Around the complex a new development.  Tom and I had a big talk the past couple of days and although I won't get into it here, well the end result is I am a prisoner in our studio apartment.  No, Tom did not tell me I could not leave; the neighbors have kept up their campaign of harassment and one that was supposedly our friend has now joined in and yesterday caught me sitting down at the table by the pool and told me why don't I just leave Tom, he deserves someone who is prettier, slimmer, has beautiful hair and will live a long happy life with him instead of die of cancer if indeed I have cancer at all.

They've won, I came upstairs and locked myself in the studio, and told Tom I will no longer go sit by the pool and drink coffee and type on my computer or look things up, I am broken, they have hurt me worse than I thought anyone could ever hurt me again and I can feel myself spiralling down into depression.

Tom of course thinks this is a wonderful thing, why it's marvelous, we can simply sit at the top of the stairs right outside our studio when I want to smoke and it gives us more time together inside laying in bed cuddling.  Sounds great doesn't it?  Yes it is wonderful to  just stay shut inside in one room all the time and not be "allowed" by neighbors to enjoy the pool area, the beauty of the new day sitting down drinking coffee and watching the sun comes up, I know the symptoms of depression and  I have no appetite  and not because of the chemo, I cry all the time and not because of the chemo.  I have no joy in my life and just want to lay in bed and watch TV  until the  pain pills make me pass out.

But I have to let all these feelings not show and be the "perfect" girlfriend and just stay stuck in the one room studio like a prisoner in a jail cell until we move on December 1st, isn't my life wonderful?............................