Tomorrow I see the new Oncologist

Okay so I am typing up a list of my medicines I actually take, the surgeries I have had done in my life time and it hits me. Tomorrow I see the new Oncologist and all of a sudden I am bawling like a baby and scared out of my mind. What if all he can tell me is the same thing the other one told me (But nicer) what if there is no cyberknife, chemo baths, surgey to take out part of my liver, cryoblation or other blation, what if there are no clinical trials what if it's chemo or nothing?


I am pretty much healed from the hernia surgery and Tom and I went out to the movies and to Target to buy a lamp and I am feeling like I can get out and do things and I am sorry but I cannot go back to chemotherapy and fatigue and ANY side effects that will take away my being able to LIVE life.

So that leaves one thing, living and loving life with Tom, until ...............................................

If chemotherapy is the only option I choose not to do it, that is my choice and I can do it, I did it before Tom, accepted the cancer and did not do any treatment and I can do it now. But now I have something to lose I didn't before, Tom. I don't want to leave him, I don't want to leave him alone, I don't want to go on to what ever is next no matter what it is without him.

And so I sit here tonight crying and fighting against the panic attack and writing this and suddenly the tears stopped and a peace settled upon me. I looked up from this lap top and said *Thank You Lord* for if it is meant to be there is no other option but chemotherapy I do not and will not choose that but I will choose to live life, love Tom and make memories so when that day comes I take my last breath I can tell Tom my favorite words "I Love You" and "Remember that place between waking and dreaming, that is where I will be waiting for you" (The words Tinkerbelle told Peter Pan).

So I may come here tomorrow happy and skipping to tell you all of good things I will be happy and hope you will be also but if I come and tell you the only option was chemotherapy and I refuse it and I am happy I hope you will be also, I will still have my panic attacks and "OMG what is going to happen moments" but I believe God touched my heart tonight and gave me the wisdom I need.

As have you all.