A new phase

I posted this to the http://www.cancerforums.net/forums/21-Colon-Cancer-and-Rectal-Cancer-Forum colon cancer forum I am part of:

I just wanted to say I am no hero, I am no strong person and although I will be here updating and letting you all know how things are going, asking questions and giving help and research as I can I have thought it over through the night and I simply cannot deal with the chemotherapy anymore. It has come down to a question of quality of life and I am unwilling to compromise mine any longer. I hope I am not judged as a quitter for I am not quitting life, just the chemotherapy. I will not as I have said before pass this week, this month, next month, six months or maybe a year or even two years from now but it will happen, with or without the chemotherapy.


When Tom and I walked into the Oncologists office in September of 09, I had been diagnosed for a year and two months and had not had any treatment and was only going to get a "lets see where things stand and how much longer I have" opinion. We did not know at that time about the KRAS mutation and Tom asked me to "try" the chemotherapy and that I could quit whenever I wanted.

I tried it, at first not so bad, then in the middle a little worse, now really bad and although yes I can get on the computer and type and also do a few other things it is not without consequences afterwards. I am myelf trying to come to terms with my decision and trying to face my own mortality as that in the end is what it will come down to, but when I look at the person I am now both physically and emotionally compared to the person before I started doing chemotherapy I want these drugs out of my system, I want the port and catheter out of my neck and chest, I want to in six weeks to be able to schedule surgery to get this hernia taken care of, in short I want to spend whatever time I have left with Tom to be the best time it can be until by the nature of the disease the end comes (which I pray to God is not a lingering painful end, I don't think it will be as it seems my liver is the main concern. (and no this really is not about the housekeeping (grin)

So, I love you all, I am not leaving you unless you feel I do not belong here anymore, and I will do my best to help each and everyone of you with research, with words, with research, with care and empathy and with thought and prayer.