Quitting chemotherapy

I have decided to quit chemotherapy.  After yesterday when I was wrapped up in the blankets for the better part of the day with the windows closed in 80+ degree weather and the fan off and then having fever (although I am not sure as the thermometer does not work) and opening all the windows, then closing them, turning on the air conditioner etc, running cold water over me, and being in pain no matter how many pain pills I took.  Layiing in bed crying for my mother, for god, for anyone to please help me,  I  have come to the decision I cannot go through this anymore.   I want to get well as far as the chemotherapy side effects, I then want to get my hernia worked on so I don't feel like a side show freak and I want to get my hair back and my weight back under control so when I do pass on I don't pass on feeling like my mother must have felt, feeling old and sick and no one understands and helpless.

I want to get back to being able to take care of our condo myself instead of flying off the handle when something needs to get done or to have a stranger come in twice a month to clean, I mean hell I feel useless enough.  And the fact that Tom loves me enough to hire someone to do so is great although the "I want to spend more time with you" is basically an excuse to lay around the house and not do anything and leave me to make the bed which is hard to make as big as it is and with the sheets that don't fit (If you've even been sick and laid in a bed where the sheets, comforter and mattress cover gradually make their way to the end of the bed you know it is not conducive to comfort and feeling good), and leave me to grab all the trash and pile it in front of him BEFORE he can escape to work as that is his job to take the trash out and I cannot walk around the house without flip flops on because of the stupid cat litter that digs into my feet at each step.

Day by day I watch the house becoming scummier and scummier, yesterday I bent over from the toilet where I was stuck with diarrhea and wiped a spot on the bathroom floor with a wet wipe, it came up black.  Yes today Tom helped me clean the stove and I am so grateful for that but I just have reached the breaking point.  With feeling things out of my control, with the Dr's not giving a damn but just telling me go through the chemo it will be okay and not answering my specific questions of how long I might have etc, etc.  and then the pain and discomfort, yes I am a wuss, yes I cannot take pain and discomfort and I am sorry I have given it my best try but I can't do it anymore, I just can't so Monday I am calling my Oncologist's PA, Kristin and asking that when I come in on the 2nd of August that we discuss how long I will have, how often they will follow me, when hospice should come into the picture and what to expect.  If she won't discuss those things or my Oncologist steps in I will just stop it all and say "see ya when I need ya" to them.

I am just tired.