So tired

I am so very tired, emotionally and physically.  Tomorrow starts Toms nine days off from our work and Tuesday I go to leave my medical record with the Oncologist I am having a second opinion with.  Then we go on vacation from Weds to Sat and on the 12th go to the second opinion with the new Oncologist.

I am tired, I am emotional, I am beat down and I don't have the strength to do any of this.  I am afraid of our vacation.  How stupid is that but I cannot take the heat normally and I am afraid of being in 100+ weather, of sweating and getting that horrendous rash under my breasts, under my belly roll of fat, in the creases of my thighs where it can turn to an infection and all the complications and pain that will ensue.

I am afraid of not being able to endure the heat, of not being able to withstand the time line of our activities, of being uncomfortable or in pain from my hernia.  I am afraid of the fatigue and nausea and diarrhea I still endure. I am tired of wearing panty liners in case when I cough or sneeze I wet my pants or the diarrhea that hits with no worning and I ruin a pair of underwear. I am sick of looking at my wisps of 1/4 inch grown hair on my head.  I am sick of being sick and I am sick of being fat.   When we come back I am seriously going on a strict diet as I look at myself in the mirror and feel sick, no wonder Tom does not want to touch me.

I am not up to doing laundry tomorrow and yet I don't want Tom to see my soiled underwear, I don't have the strength to do all that needs to be done around the house before I leave; dusting, mirrors, sweeping, vacuming, mopping and yet if I don't do it who will?

I am afraid of leaving our three cats alone for 4 days.  I am afraid of my emotions and the way I break down all the time, I scream and cry and throw things and get frustrated.  If I stop treatments will all this go away?  The phone counselor never called me back and I have no one I can talk to about all these feelings and my physical problems as Tom just doesn't talk and I feel uncomfortable to keep talking to him and the forum about the same old things.

I don't want to see a new Oncologist and I don't want to see my old one, I don't want anymore treatments.  I want peace in my mind and body even if that peace comes at a price.