CEA level rising

Right now I am depressed and yet full of anger.


When I told Tom when we go to see the Oncologist that I am going to stop chemo and tell the Dr. why he didn't he say anything. And I mentioned it just now after I got a call from my Oncologists office to let me know my last CEA from 02/08/10 came back 65.8 a raise again of 11.8 points. and again no words, no acknowledgement of what I said.

If he loves me why doesnt' he say anything like "no, don't stop the chemo sweetie, like I said before I want you in my life longer."

Today was the first time I had a PET scan that I did not want him in the room with me (I am claustrophic and he usually is let by the techs to come in and sit by my head and talk to me) but I didn't want him in there today as I am resentful and hurt and angry and depressed. I cried and had a panic attack but surpressed it by wondering what will happen when I die, will I go to heaven, will I go on to a new life? Will I be given a chance to live this life over and do it right this time?

I don't want to believe his words to me when I first went to see the Oncologist were a lie, and yet having been through sickness with his wife before why didn't he tell me before I started chemo that the illness might be a problem with our sex life?

I won't see the Oncologist for another two weeks or thereabout (he said three weeks from the last appointment on 2/8/10) so I have time to think, and this time it's all on me as it seems Tom has no voice to speak about these things, no opinion to give. Although when I asked him if he wanted me to leave so he could be with someone else he said no he loved me and wanted me here.

I can't think straight about myself right now but the time until I see the Oncologist will give me that time to think.

One thing is for certain, my CEA level is going up and that does not mean good things so even if I don't stop the chemo it will only mean maybe going back on folfox-6 regimen and being even sicker again.

So lots to think about, anger and resentment to get over and depression to try and recover from.

Marsha