I have no friends I can talk to, I really sincerely don't have one friend, the ones I had we just kind of "fell away" from each other and when I have made an attempt to rekindle the friendship they weren't interested.
I have no family, I never knew my real mother and father or siblings as I was adopted and had no other siblings in my adopted family nor was my adopted mothers family close and I would have no idea how to find any of them now anyways and my adopted fathers family well his parents passed away a long time ago and he was an only child.
My adoptive parents have both been deceased for some years.
I have two sons, grown, one in Wisconsin I am estranged from and one in Florida who is in rehab, has HIV and has his own problems.
Tom is, was, my miracle, I met him through Craigslist after I had found out I had cancer, had gone through the surgeries, had decided not to do chemo, had been once again abused by a man and had tried and almost succeeded in taking my own life. My friend at the time who I was sleeping on her sofa, would not take me back as a roommate and I had no idea where me and my cat were going to live or survive or anything.
I rented a car, drove from central california back down to southern california, called my one friend and she said she could not help me, I got a motel room with Wi-Fi and made an add on Craigslist, looking for the last love of my life.
Tom answered and we met and talked and I was upfront and honest with him about me, about my past (not pretty) and the cancer and the outcome of the cancer. He said he could handle it and when I went to see an Oncologist to just see where the cancer was at, Tom is the one that led me to chemotherapy as he said he wanted me around "a while longer"
He has always said he loves me, he is a supportive caring man but in his own words he is not my knight in shining armor or my prince charming.
We have been together a few days over a year. In the beginning as with all couples I guess we ummm had a physical relation quite active, then it tapered down and tapered down and now it's pretty much non existant.
I have talked to him about this before, asked him if it was me, had I gotten to heavy, (He used to date strippers and thin women, and I am 240 right now) He said no, he felt uncomfortable with himself (He is upwards of 350) and I always let it slide.
Yesterday after coming back from a 3 1/2 mile walk (no small feat for me with a right ankle that was shattered over a year ago and has plates and pins in it and still hurts) and after an incident in the house, I realized we had not even made love on our "anniversary" a week ago nor yesterday on Valentines day. I realized this at midnight.
I finally talked to him about it and he said again he did not feel comfortable with him but something just didn't ring true about that. Although I can understand it as I don't feel comfortable with me, this is the heaviest I have ever been.
So then he tells me his wife (married still but separated (not legally) who had one time had uterine cancer and still has MS would always turn him down by saying she did not feel good, for about 10 years he says this happened, and he does not want to get rejected by me for making love because I don't feel good.
First of all I have never turned him down even when I don't feel good and second of all that still doesn't ring true with me, yet he says that's what it is.
So, I have made a decision, I will get the PET/CT scan and the MRI to see where I stand with the cancer then at my next Oncologists visit I am going to tell him I am stopping chemotherapy, all treatments.
See when Tom and I first met and for 8 months after, I wasn't "sick", yes I had and have stage IV mets colon cancer but I did not feel sick or have any complaints, now I am sick, I have still neuropathy, fatigue, sometimes dizziness, high blood pressure (I still think that's from the Avastin) but the being "sick" and him worrying I will turn him down for "lovemaking" has ruined something in our relationship, it has made me doubt myself and now doubt him. So something has to change and since chemotherapy made and makes me sick, I am stopping it to save my relationship.
If that still does not work then I am going to check into nursing homes or something or somewhere I can go and just be by myself and wait to die.
Sorry this is so long and so personal and so morbid but I have no where else to turn. I told Tom all this this morning and he didn't say a word.
I am so upset I am crying and he is sitting across from me reading the paper and is oblivious to it.
Thank you for letting me get this off my chest. ((((((hugs)))))))) and everyone is in my thoughts and prayers today.
EDITED:
This is in response to answers I go on the Colon Cancer forum on this subject:
In all other area our relationship is wonderful (okay yes I get stressed at times because "I" try to do too much when I don't feel up to it). We talk, we do things together, we cuddle and well I don't want to walk away from it but I guess I ideally want it like it was, the whole thing.
He does not talk "relationship" things well. So when something happens like this and I cry he would prefer to be a turtle in his shell not noticing.
Yes I have Social Security disability coming in but I don't want to go anywhere else and live but if things don't change with me stopping the chemo and not being "sick" then I don't know what to do. Right now we are "affectionate" roommates for lack of a better word and I feel insecure with the physical side of our relationship not happening, yes he hugs me and holds me at night in bed and we cuddle but maybe I want too much from him and am being selfish, perhaps I should just accept what I have which is more than some people have.
He does love me, he does provide for me, he is concerned for me, he just does not do "relationship talks" well or at all if he can avoid it and well the reason he has given me for our no physical relationship is above.
I brought up counseling today, he was surprised and said he saw no reason for it and he is happy and wants to make me happy and in 4/5ths of the relationship he does.
He does not abuse me, he loves me, I guess I should just count my blessings and leave it at that.
Thank you for your answers and I slept most of today so I guess I should get up and go out on the balcony for fresh air to clear my head.
Also I decided to lose weight so I have a goal to reach to look pretty again and be desirable to him again., maybe that will help.
And yes I have depression I think but I take valium, I don't want to go on a bunch of pills. Maybe I do need professional help but ............ well I don't want to be without Tom, I love him so much I am willing to do what it takes to make our relationship good, maybe if I just stop asking about the physical side and take what he gives and I have then I'll be happy again.. Maybe it's me making myself miserable wanting more than he can give.
I don't want to be alone again, I don't want to try to rent a room in someones house which on my disability is all I could afford, I don't want to give up my cat to move and most of all I don't want to leave Tom as we do have good times and I love him so much and he is good to me.
Sorry crying here again, take care and I'll check in later to post on others profiles. I am sorry to have been a bother. I think I'll just deal with what we have and be thankful for it and not want more.
Total hysterectomy July 23 2008, mass felt in colon.
Colonoscopy Aug 2008
Rigid Sigmoidoscopy with a laparoscopic-assisted partial colectemy with en bloc small bowel resection Sep 2008
Diagnosed: Stage IV Colon Cancer mets to lungs and liver. (T3,N2,M1,G2) KRAS Mutation
Started chemotherapy: 09/14/09
Latest session: 02/08/10 ~ No treatment, blood draw and saw Oncologist.
Most recent CEA Level 01/25/10 = 54 up from 29.5 on 1/11/10
02/16/10 Pet/CT scan ~ 02/18/10 MRI ~ ? Dr's visit
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