Getting worse

I am at the point right now I would sell my first born son (we don't get along anyways and NO I don't really mean about the selling part, just illustrating how bad I feel) to never have to go through chemotherapy again. I am so tired, so physically and mentally exhausted and my head hurts, I am nauseous, gave my own self diarrhea with taking a laxative cause I haven't pooped in two days and have been taking Vicodin for the pain of my hernia. And the mouth sores are back.


I keep telling myself I won't just quit because God only knows how fast I might go down hill but I am today, just for today at the end of my rope and crying constantly. I look like a nightmare from what I used to look like, my hair has grown in slow and patchy, I look like Jim Carey's character what was it fireman Bill or something from the Wayon Brothers show? and I am huge! I am not only gaining MORE weight but one side of my stomach sticks out because of the hernia and I look like a side show freak.

I keep crying for my mother (deceased since I was 18) and saying I want to go home. THIS with Tom is my home, what do I mean, do I want to die? I don't think so but the hernia is hurting almost all the time now, not in a OMG call the ambulance or take me to the ER way but in a I can't get up or down or sit or stand or turn or pick up or move or twist without crying, once I get settled I am fine until I have to move again.

So for today I want to quit chemo, just for today.