Beautiful words, heartfelt and touching strings of the heart. Thank you and for me it is more the positivity than anything else that I see that helps. There are cancers and stages of cancer that can be put in remission or can be cut out or even some that can be healed.
For a lot of us this is not going to happen and for each passing I hear of I cry, for every person in pain I cry, for myself and my eventual passing I cry, for my Tom who will be left alone with no family to be of comfort, no friends to turn to I cry and for all the hard realities I cry.
I am scared, every moment of every day I am terrified. I don't look like I am dying, I aside from some inconveniences of my ankle hurting a year and some months after surgery from breaking it and of my hernia of a few months and the side effects of chemotherapy I am for all anyone could tell healthy. I have lost no weight, I have lost no hair, I don't have pain from the cancer itself as of yet. and yet I know all of this will come, I know the end will come for me not today or tomorrow or next week or next month or even maybe next year or a few years to come and yet I am scared.
I don't want to die, I don't want to cease to exist, I don't want to never again be held and hold my Tom and look in his eyes and hear I love you and to tell him I love you, I don't want to not experience a dinner play, I don't want to not take a walk. I don't want to not play with our three cats and I don't want to not be head butted by my cat Mini and be given head rubs and kisses, I don't want to die.
I was brought up Protestant Reformed and so brought up to believe in heaven and hell. In my lifetime I have lived heaven and hell right here on earth and so believe that is where both are. My Tom is a Buddhist and believes in reincarnation and I would like to believe that also. Or maybe that we just start over and are given a chance to live our lives again and do things differently perhaps.
Do I believe in God? I believe in a higher power who I call God but I don't go to church. I pray every (almost) morning and thank "God" for the beautiful day, for being alive, for Tom, for the singing birds, and for those who have passed and for those they have left behind. But I don't know what will happen when I pass on and I am scared. I understand what you are saying about how can there be a God and he allow this disease, the mass murders etc, etc.
But above and beyond that to keep from breaking down completely and not being able to go on I like you turn to my Tom, I love him so deeply and he is my touch stone to reality and sanity. You all here help me and I love you all also. I cry when I read someones pain or passing, I try to help when I can, I ask for help when I need it.
When I tell someone here you are in my thoughts and prayers I mean that with every fiber of my being. I watch tv during the day (am on to the "Housewives of ............." Marathon kicks as it is mindless entertainment and keeps my mind from my fears and the inevitable for a time, I do housework, a bit each day, I read and write on here and I spend time with my Tom when he is home from work, eating together, talking, cuddling. But throughout the day each person here is on my mind at some point or another, perhaps for a moment only but at that moment I take time to care and I think that is what it is all about, caring for one another.
Knowing that no matter what we go through there are people who care, I myself have no family, no friends, I belong to no groups or churches, so Tom is my only real time person in my life who will be with me through this and at the end and may be the only person besides those here on this forum who will mourn my passing.
Please know I understand in some part your feelings, I cannot understand in totality as my circumstances are different than yours, but I do understand as much as I can and you and your husband are thought of by me and in my prayers.
I am so very sorry to hear of the pain and I am crying as I write this as I am so empthatic and I feel the same fear the same uncertainity and I cry for me and all others dealing with this also.
But then there is a time to wipe away the tears and be positive. To enjoy whatever life we have left with our loved ones or friends and to enjoy our life for in the end, every living person on this earth will pass on, not one person will live forever. Why? I don't know, the bible says God decided this, biology says it is a natural process but no matter the reason from the day we are born we begin to die.
And it sucks.........................
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