Fourth Chemo session and a world of hurt

Sorry I haven't posted in a week or so but man I just couldn't.  I had complications with the tooth pulling but first let me back that up to the weekend after the tooth pulling.  I was on some serious knockout drugs and ended up peeing the bed then having diarrhea and I tried to clean everything up, but no money to do laundry and being ashamed of having these bodily things happen while your in bed with your boyfriend and then having pain and no energy to clean up well they all added up to make me feel the lowest I've felt yet. 

So this past Monday I go into chemo and they can't get a blood draw from my port, well they tried and tried then sent me down to the surgery where they put it in, the assistant kept manipulating the thing under my skin (that hurt let me tell you and she's going "hmmm" "hmmmm") then she calls in the surgeon well come to find out a RARE thing happened with me, the week before this I had been laying down watching TV, heard a small click from my chest where the port is and felt it settle deeper into my chest, turns out the damn thing turned over!!!!!

So, the surgeon manipulates it back into place like a doctor would a baby who's in the breech position and says if it happens again they will have to cut me open and stitch the port down (great thought that it "might" happen again),.

So then go get my blood drawn, my CEA is down to 182 but my white cell count is down to 1.4.  So get my chemo treatment and get told to come back Wednesday and get the port disconnected and then get a shot to boost my white blood cells.

One of my teeth they didn't work on at the dentist is KILLING me so we call and go into the dentist, the dentist looks and a RARE thing has  happened, a piece of my jawbone got splintered when they pulled the tooth next to that one and got stuck in the gum and infected, etc etc.  So we numbed the area, pulled the piece of bone and off we went.

 I got more antibiotics and Tylenol #4. 

So Wednesday we go back, get port taken out, have a bit of  scare as she cannot get a blood draw right away then she got it and then I got the shot for the white blood cells.  The nurse told me I would feel pain in the long bones of my legs so I get home take a Tylenol #4 and am out like a light for about 24 hours.

Yesterday I couldn't take the grubbiness of the house and the icky pissy and diarrhea smell and asked Tom to get me some quarters and did 5 loads of laundry and still have two to go, but the bed is clean and made, the house smells better and I am showered and clean although it took me all day to clean a studio and do laundry and I had like 20 meltdowns in between.  I am taking Valium and even  they don't help when I get overwhelmed or really let myself realize this is not going to have have a happy ending for me, I won' make it through this, I am going to die whether it's months or a few years, I'm not going to beat the odds.

And I don't want to leave Tom, I love him so much .............. Okay crying here so have to calm down.  Tom is sleeping next to me and I'll just cuddle him and be thankful for the time we have now.

Please add me to the prayer list for strength as I really really need it now.

Two upbeat things, Tom passed His physical at work (yeah!) and hopefully the first of December we'll be moving into a one bedroom beautiful condo)

Okay will write more later as I am able................................

Love,

Marsha